The Anti-Cool Girl by Rosie Waterland

Author:Rosie Waterland
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2015-08-14T14:00:00+00:00

You will lose your virginity, followed by your mind.

‘I peed funny!’

That was the first thing I said after losing my virginity. Once penetration had finally occurred (after weeks of trying, by the way), I got up, went to the bathroom, and looked on in fascination as my pee splayed out of me like someone was holding their finger over the end of a hose. I was mildly concerned I had broken my vagina – after finally figuring out where my tampon hole was, following years of sweating with one leg hoisted on the toilet, had I now stretched things so much that sanitary items would just fall straight out of me anyway? (It should probably be noted here that anybody who thinks tampons can fall out of a vagina because of too much penis-stretching probably shouldn’t be having sex to begin with, but such is life.)

The lucky boy was Josh. He was a day student from the College, whom I had started dating during my final few weeks there. After having my confidence and dignity obliterated by kids in the boarding house, I was pretty much left with a couple of friends in the day school, and Josh. I knew we were going to be together from our first drunken kiss at a party. It was one of those kisses that was just so perfect, your knees go to mush. At least, that’s the way I felt after having only kissed maybe three other boys, all of whom had assaulted my mouth with their tongues and left me traumatised, confused and feeling betrayed by every Disney kiss I’d ever seen.

Actually, a few years later, once I had hit both my twenties and my threshold for putting up with terrible make-out sessions, I taught a clueless guy how to kiss. It is possibly one of the more selfless and heroic things I have ever done, and ever will do, for humanity. I mean, when you’re kids, it’s understandable – you’re still figuring your shit out. But a grown man not knowing how to kiss a woman without making her want to regurgitate into his mouth? Something had to be done.

I met the random guy at a club (this was during the brief period when I tried doing things other than drink wine at home in my underpants), and it was one of those situations where it was obvious from the second we started talking to each other that we were going to make out.

We exchanged a few obligatory, drunken pleasantries, but as is the way with random hook-ups that take place on a seedy club bench at 2am, subtlety was not really on the cards. One second we were talking, the next we were lunging at each other’s faces.

Now, I fully understand that kissing is a subjective thing. Not everybody likes the same technique and it generally takes a few minutes of awkward adjusting before you fall into an acceptable rhythm with someone. But that was not what happened here.

Nothing could have prepared me for the horror that took place in my mouth.

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